also,

"you don’t find love, it finds you. it’s got a little bit to do with destiny, fate, and what’s written in the stars.” — anais nin.

i’ve entered an area of discovery. of new artists; writers, painters, and poets. with these discoveries come palpable moments of victory and illumination, of something in my heart that says “yes, this feels right, this makes sense.”

my heart, which has never felt quite as full as it does right now, feels as if the light emanating from my insides might break me open and overtake me, my bedroom, tenth avenue.

anais nin, extraordinary writer and enlightened thinker writes:

“i disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. i refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. to enter ordinary relationships. i want ecstasy. i am a neurotic — in the sense that I live in my world. i will not adjust myself to the world. i am adjusted to myself.”

her confidence, her faith that she has the power to make her world spin exactly as she would like it to, is staggering. she bravely posits that there are precious moments when things can be just as one imagines, that daydreams, fever dreams, pipe dreams, and fantasies can manifest themselves right in the palms of our hands. that we are powerful creatures. that we have fingers dipped into the creation of our own destinies.

“we do not see things as they are,” she muses, “we see them as we are. “

and i’m learning to see things differently — to listen hard, to pay attention, to press and pull and shake and shift until all the pieces of myself are shiny and awake. until each particle is in alignment and this light, intoxicating and new, breaks through, overtaking my body, my bedroom, tenth avenue.

i’m writing and you’re sleeping.

i’m writing and you’re sleeping and we’re both dreaming and wishing and we’re in italy, where we’re sipping wine and sampling cheeses and asking each other “have you tried this one yet?”

we pick two favorites and grab a bottle of wine for the road. we drink and wander and take it all in, my heels clicking on the cobblestones below our feet. i’m wearing red and you’re wearing that hat and your eyes are the bluest i’ve ever seen them.

i’m writing and you’re sleeping and you’re playing a sold out show. i’m sitting in a velvet chair and singing along at the top of my lungs and i’m so proud of you i might cry. every face is turned towards you and twenty drunk girls are dancing and you’re selling out of t-shirts for twenty, cd’s for ten.

i’m writing and you’re sleeping and i have to go home early because i have two shows the next day. you’ll crawl into bed late and wrap your arms around me and, i, half-dreaming, will remind you again how talented you are, how proud of you i am. you’ll come to the evening performance the next night, even though you’ve already seen my show six times. 

in twenty minutes, i’ll wake you up. you’ll groan and throw a pillow over your head and ask for just a little longer. i’ll kiss you and remind you we have places to be.

tonight, i’ll wear lipstick and drink whiskey and be so proud of you. 

tonight, we’ll come home together and fall into bed and there will be no other place i’d rather be.

time ticks and turns, relationships ebb and flow, people come and go. there’s a quiet certainty to all of this, a tempo that’s consistent and dependable, even at the times when it hurts. we continue on, keeping time with our heartbeats and counting the steps each time our feet touch the ground. 

we are very little. we haven’t the time to be unhappy. we must continually find ways to keep in time with the way the rest of the universe moves; we have to adjust, adapt, make changes to the original plan, and remain wholeheartedly committed in our pursuit of ecstasy. there is no space for abuse or negativity, no time to be wasted on people who don’t deserve us, no room in the body each of us is trying tirelessly to create for a broken heart.  

it’s a tiny thing, this one little life we’ve each been given. it is our responsibility and our incredible pleasure to make it as big and bright as we possibly can.